So I was tasked with “learning something” about myself while I’m on vacation here in the Bay area. The best example of something that I’ve learned–about myself–thus far occurred on Sunday when I traveled via public transit from San Jose to San Francisco. I was actually aboard the fifth, and last leg of my initial trip, when the MUNI train had some technical difficulties and I was forced to deboard and wait for the next “N-Judah” light rail train. I remember the stop I was at was Duboce & Noe, and it was right next to a park, that I don’t know the name of right off hand. But there were people, so many carefree people, enjoying the sunshine, and enjoying each other. I immediately zeroed my focus in on a young, vibrant looking couple, dressed as casually as they were kissing in the middle of the park. I immediately wanted to be that couple. I wanted their lives, because they were kissing each other gleefully in the daytime in the park, so they must be happy and have wonderful lives that I should be envious of, right?
The reality is, and what I’ve learned about myself is that there is a part of me that remains desperately wanting for more in my own life, yet far too often the things I think I want I either cannot possibly have, or I’ve already had them in the past yet no longer do, therefore think I want them again, almost as a baseline. These things include but are not limited to relationships, jobs, money, men, cars. However, the other part of me realizes that these things have and have not worked for me in the past for a vast many varying reasons, and more importantly, they are all things external of me. After observing that couple kissing in the park I realized the longing I felt was indicative of some current voids I feel inside of me that need to be resolved and are absolutely not related in any way to what the image of that kissing couple represented to me. I know I could move back out to San Francisco, eventually find someone to kiss me in the park, and yet, I would still have mostly the same concerns and problems that I have now living in Maine. Sure, the details change, but the primary themes remain the same, no matter where you go.